dude this 15 year old girl saw our youtube vid and just facebook messaged me saying i was verry verry pretty. i have no schemas for how to respond to this situation.
woah 15?
i know! what is this dateline?
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
Randomize