i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize
