You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
Randomize
