Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
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