I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Randomize
