I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
May the power of my ass compel you!!
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
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