oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Randomize
