new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
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