The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
Randomize
