drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
Randomize
