I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
Randomize
