You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
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