my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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