I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
Randomize
