So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
