The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
Randomize
