You're my little dorito
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
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