someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
