And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
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