By the way the awkward moment from yesterday is now a bad situation I have to figure out.
Thank you Grey Goose.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
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