dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
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