If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
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you will always have a special place in my vag
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
I just blew my weed a kiss
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
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