I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
Do brothers usually kiss their sisters?
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Randomize
