your parents love me but you hate me
i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Randomize
