I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
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