i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
