We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Randomize
