One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
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