You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
