I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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