one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
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