Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
