mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I bet he comes in French.
yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Randomize
