I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
Randomize
