Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
Randomize
