Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Randomize
