last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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