omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
Randomize
