my phone needs a breathalizer
meet me or not, i'm out of control
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
NoDDING MY HEAD LIKE uyuEAH MOViUNG MY HiPS LioKe YEAhhhhhhhhhhh
wow.
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
Randomize
