Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
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