Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
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