i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
third nipple confirmed
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
there is another microwave in the elevator.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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