If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
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