So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
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I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
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I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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