i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
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