What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
