While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
Randomize
