That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Randomize
