Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
Walking in on a gay threesome, with a girl in the corner watching and taking vid is a reason to not only knock, but to never go to Savannah.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
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