Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
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