Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
We left an ass print on the piano.
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
