I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
Randomize
