Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Randomize
