I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize
