I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
I feel like a drive thru vagina
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
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