Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
